I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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