I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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