Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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