Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
