i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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