I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
