i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
