So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
