I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
