It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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