Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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