i was born a porn star she said
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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