I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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