Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
