the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
