made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
