3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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