i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
We got so high we made milksteak
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
