We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
its liver damage thursday
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