I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
