I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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