You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
