so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
