I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
