Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
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