she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
We need to get me chipped asap
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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