apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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