Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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