I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
