I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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