whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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