he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
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