I hate all girls vehemently.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
