The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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