i only shaved half my leg
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
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so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
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They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man