Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
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You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
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I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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