i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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