the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
