Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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