The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i just had sex bonerless
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
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