Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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