gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
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The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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