I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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