you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
zippers are such a cool invention
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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