I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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