I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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