70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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