Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
