im about as happy as oj after his trial
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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