Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
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