I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
