oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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