I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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