She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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