Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
It's rum buckets o'clock
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
