She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
