I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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