omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
You had me at "let me see your balls"
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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