i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm like, not good at living.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
