I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
